Who watched Fake or Fortune last night, the BBC is scraping the barrel with this one. To cut down the programme to its basics some art nerd spots a picture up for sale in Cape town, South Africa and seems to recognise the figure in the painting, he thinks it’s something to do with Rembrandt. Der, the painting is listed as ‘painted by a Rembrandt follower’ no prize here then and it is valued at only £800.
Anyway ‘art nerd’ calls in his art expert mate Philip ‘posh boy’ Mould and BBC’s Fiona ‘I’m going to wear my blue outfit as long as it takes to make this programme’ Bruce, both connected to the Antique Roadshow programme.
Art nerd seems to think the painting was from the Oppenheimer’s art gallery in 1930’s Germany so he contacts their French lawyer who gets the auction of the painting stopped.
Fiona blue outfit is sent to South Africa at tv licence payers’ expense to get the picture back to art nerd and posh boy as now for some inexplicable reason they think it is by Rembrandt. By the way blue outfit has a terrible habit of repeating the bleeding obvious all through the programme.
Everyone drools over the picture on its return, posh boy and blue outfit – blue leather jacket, blue jeans and blue plimsolls – decide to go through some millions of archive files and miraculously pull out at the first go a 4 or 5 inch thick file with the painting’s model photograph on the top of the pile and the very last photo is of the painting itself how handy was that, no need to go all through that thick file.
By the way there is no time line in this programme it could be hours, days, weeks or even months probably why blue outfit never changes her clothes to aid continuity in the editing of the programme.
This next bit will ‘kill you with laughter’, posh boy takes the picture to Amsterdam to a world Rembrandt expert and straight away he says its not by Rembrandt, how so says posh boy ‘because it’s not signed by Rembrandt’ says expert.
Wasn’t the painting listed as ‘painted by a Rembrandt follower’ in the first place? To save face posh boy decides to find out which Rembrandt follower painted the picture involving more highly paid experts scattered about the world.
Now to beef up the programme as it has turned into a damp squib a Nazi Germany link is found by blue outfit.
Apparently when Oppenheimers fled Germany the German Government auctioned off the paintings of Oppenheimers Art Gallery so the Oppenheimer family claim the picture is theirs. Hold up though a counter claim comes in, how exciting is that? A bank says the painting was held by them because they loaned Oppenheimers money but the bank’s assets were also auctioned by the Germans so although the bank no longer exists the bank owner’s heirs say they own the painting.
Remember all this fuss is for a painting valued at £800.
Anyway posh boy spends all his time trying to ‘suss out’ who the painter was and eventually seems to pull a name out of the hat whilst blue outfit spends the rest of her time watching Nazi propaganda films at the Imperial War Museum.
As a last fling to get all they can out of tv licence payers’ money the pair decide to have a trip back to South Africa to interview the painting’s present owner who says he inherited the painting once owned by his father.
Posh boy asks what the geezer is going to do with the painting whilst blue outfit asks if the blokes dad was a nazi.
The South African bloke say he has had enough of this painting and when it is finally decided who actually owns the painting they can have it as he has had enough of it.
Me too mate!